June 3, 2011

June 3, 2011. I though it would be easier than the year before. I’m emotionally the strongest I’ve been in two years. I knew it was still going to be hard but boy did I not see what was coming.

In a weird way, I was actually looking forward to the two year anniversary. If I was to feel any emotion that day it would be nothing but gratitude. Two years ago my life could have been taken away from me. I think that is one heck of a cause to be grateful. I was also grateful to have been very close friends to Makenzie Stocker, one of the most wonderful girls I’ve ever met. I was grateful for her friendship and impact on my life, both before and after the accident. I was grateful for Aaron; for the amazing young man he’s become and the bond we share in every moment of every day. The list is endless… the ability to continue to perform and to touch lives through it, live my dream of being a professional dancer, strengthen my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It’s amazing how positive of a person I’d become. Not even June 3rd could get my spirits low. I of course would mourn, but I wasn’t about ready to go back into mean reds.

I’d made a lovely slideshow with the help of many friends. Planned a photoshoot with more friends. Cara planned a nice improvisational dance time for rehearsal that night. The day was supposed to be a good one. And it was… but unfortunately had a uneasy beginning.

Dear Madeline and I wanted to go to the intersection to lay some flowers on Makenzie’s cross in the morning, so with my mom and her dad, we did. It was lovely, we stood there together holding one another, without speaking a word, and shed some tears. Whenever I go to the intersection I can’t help but think about what had happened there and wish for just a second that I could remember it all.

We stood there for 10-20 minutes, I can’t tell time in moments like that. We walked back to our cars and said our goodbyes till later that night. In the car, I wiped my tear soaked face as my mom started the drive home. Not two minutes into our drive, the two cars right in front of us collided. The cars skidded along the median and then one car drove into ditch. Before I knew it my mom handed me the phone, I called 911, we were pulled over, and my mother was talking to the police. The car in the ditch had children in side. No one was seriously injured. I couldn’t stop crying for hours after. Two years later, when I thought I was this emotionally strong giant, I could handle anything, all of the sudden my greatest nightmare was flashing right in front of my eyes. The irony of it all was crazy… two years since the accident… I had just been to the intersection. The thoughts that filled my head that day were dreadful.

But like all things, it got better with time. It wasn’t until later that day when I was surrounded by my friends taking pictures of them with yellow tulips and white roses till I was finally able to have the June 3rd I had wanted.

The improv dance we did during intermission of RAFA’s Informal dress rehearsal was so touching. To be on stage with everyone and dancing together was such a special thing. It’s amazing to see how in losing one life, so many others were affected. The countless tears that have been shed for Makenzie will never match the steps that have been danced for her. That continue to dance for her…

olive oil.

~cc

photo courtesy of vanessa garner.

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101 Things that make me happy

Since it was on my 101 things to do in 1001 days list, i thought I’d knock this one out:

  1. love
  2. my family
  3. reading the scriptures
  4. taking photos
  5. giftcards
  6. giving the perfect gift
  7. cheese
  8. blogging
  9. temple trips
  10. picking out which headband to wear with a current outfit
  11. arm scratches
  12. finding new photographers i like
  13. everything and everyone in new york city
  14. chocolate bar
  15. anthropologie sales
  16. Rockstar Diaries
  17. when my silly niece, Avery, says “I love you Aunt Cia!”
  18. back scratches
  19. hearing makenzie’s voice
  20. seth rudetsky’s deconstructions (this one‘s my favorite)
  21. laducas
  22. singing in the car
  23. anything ever uttered out of elaine stritch‘s mouth
  24. old school theatre tap dancing
  25. a new richard calmes album
  26. my scotties, Bobby and BJ
  27. comments on my photos
  28. fresh flowers on the kitchen table
  29. the nervous, excited energy i get before a photoshoot
  30. when my doctors are happy
  31. skyping with my nieces and ashlyn
  32. fierce moments (i’ll have to blog about this sometime…)
  33. doris day movies
  34. fred and ginger movies
  35. hugs and kisses
  36. reunions with friends i havent seen in forever
  37. making slideshows
  38. dressing up all fancy
  39. sleeping in my bed on cold mornings
  40. cloudy days
  41. cute umbrellas
  42. ghost lights
  43. iyogurt, red mango, and pinkberry
  44. when he says he loves me
  45. finding old journals and reading them
  46. reading snapple caps
  47. waking up to a working alarm clock
  48. my photo chandelier
  49. putting on a new pair of earings
  50. watching a really good movie you haven’t seen in a long time
  51. downstage center
  52. taking a theatre dance class
  53. charleston chews
  54. anything black with white polka dots
  55. good news
  56. getting a letter or package in the mail
  57. counting down the days till summer new york trips
  58. looking at my yellow tulip painting from king aaron
  59. quoting scrubs
  60. watching bloopers on dvds
  61. General Conference
  62. regina spektor and ben rector music
  63. making lists
  64. lunch dates with my favorite people
  65. a massage
  66. holga photos
  67. hot chocolate on a cold day
  68. family dinners
  69. when people tell me they’re looking for my cheshire cat laplander! so sweet.
  70. Kevin Cahoon in the same building :))))
  71. disco dancing
  72. nailing an audition
  73. stepping off the plane at La Guardia
  74. little letters
  75. Junior’s Cheesecake
  76. “(This will be) an Everlasting Love”
  77. finding a new artist i like
  78. trying new sushi
  79. a good Sunday at Church
  80. engagement stories
  81. a jazz class on an emotional day
  82. “You Turned my Mourning into Dancing” music
  83. singing primary songs
  84. comforting hugs from my mommy
  85. puppies
  86. red lipstick with a cute black and white outfit
  87. star sightings in NYC
  88. licking icing off of a cupcake
  89. singing in the shower
  90. shopping trips with my sisters
  91. pumpkin pie with whipped creme
  92. sunrise on the beach
  93. a warm blanket right out of the dryer
  94. speaking “broadway” with someone who understands what the heck i’m saying
  95. yellow tulips
  96. white rose petals in my banb hoodie pockets
  97. makenzie memories
  98. thinking about the future
  99. accepting the past
  100. living fully through every minute
  101. this list

here’s to happiness, life, love, and makenzie.

~cc

Yellow Tulips

where it all began

Yellow Tulips hold a special place in all of the hearts of the current  BAHBT company members, but most particularly with King Aaron and myself.

I’ve done some research on the meaning of this particular flower and here are a few things they symbolize:

1) cheerful thoughts

2) hopeless love

3) smile

4) sunshine

5) brightness of love

I also learned that the tulip is the third most popular flower (just another testament to why 3 is my lucky number!)

After the accident I was given many beautiful yellow flowers (pictured below). Being surrounded by all the bright flowers really helped cheer my thoughts up during those difficult first weeks.

Flowers from Kelly and Curtis (3)

Flowers from Max

Flowers from Baggetts and Kostas

Yellow makes me think of my sweet Kenzie and her glowing smile. She had one of those smiles that could really just brighten the most horrible of days. I’m so glad I can look through her photos and see it when ever I need her cheeriness.

My mom bought me some yellow tulips the other day and I’ve so enjoyed keeping them in my room. They bring me so much comfort. I will forever love yellow tulips.

There’s your random dose of Caitlin for the day.

Love and Laducas,

Caitlin