First there was 3rd Rock…

…Now there’s Sex and the City.

Thanks to my fabulous roommate, Johanna, the entire series of SATC is on DVD in our apartment. So in between classes and auditions in this unemployed actresses’ life, knowing that if I left my apartment I’d only spend the money I’m try to save, I decided on plowing through Sex and the city season by season!

There’s nothing more fabulous than watching Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha in their fabulous outfits gallivanting all around New York City. As I watch them, all I want to do is have Sunday brunch, buy fabulous shoes from Barney’s, and check my non existent answering machine when I get home. Wouldn’t it be just amazing to have Carrie’s closet? Miranda and Steve have always been one of my favorite fictional relationships. Charlotte is the reason that I’ve always wanted a King Charles Spaniel. And Samantha… well I think every woman has a little part of themselves that wants to be as outspoken as her and have her I-don’t-give-a-crap attitude.

And then there’s always the debate of which one I’m most like. At first, I always go with Charlotte. She and I share that optimistic girliness. It’s that 50’s housewife attitude (and wardrobe)… we’re both conservative and traditional and love the same romantic ordeals. Sometimes though, I think I’m a Miranda. I now have the red hear to prove it. Like her, I can be a work-a-holic. And in absolute contrast to my “Charlotte self,” I have a slightly cynical side. It only shows up late at night and to my close friends, but Miranda’s negative attitude defiantly lives in me at times. I’m not even going to try to compare myself to Samantha. However, everyone wants to be Carrie. Her taste in clothes and words are sometimes a little off, but never without flare. The biggest similarity that I share with Carrie is that she always is led by her emotions, even if it leads her astray. What do you think? Was she better with Big or Aidan? I’ll spare you my thoughts and comparisons on my own dating life, but I daresay, it’s awfully fun to compare!

I just find myself constantly nodding my head over the wise words of these ladies discussing men, love, careers, life…

Can I get a yes, ladies?


Late Night Thoughts

I have so much to say I just never know how to say it.

Then when I do say it, it doesn’t feel right.

I question my feelings sometimes, even when I know I shouldn’t.

I’m imperfect. And I’m happy with that. Why can’t you be?

Doesn’t mean that I’m not trying my best.

At least I know who I am. Do you?

And you don’t have to. That’s fine.

Just don’t make me feel bad about myself.

You have so much to learn and I can’t help you anymore.

Things will never be the same. I know that now.

I don’t like it. But I know that.

Everything happens for a reason.

We happened for a reason.

We ended for a reason.

I’m finding the reason for now and tomorrow and next week.

I’m not one for plans. I’m one for goals and playing things by ear.

I understand that your concerned for my future but you have to trust me.

You are incredible. Truly.

Parts of me will always wish for us again.

I love almost everything about you.

The fact that we still have a part of “us” is beautiful.

My life would not be the same without you.

I have to constantly remind myself of things.

I know you don’t understand me sometimes and this frustrates you.

But sometimes you just can’t help. Even though you want to, you can’t.

I like to pretend like I know what I’m doing, which you’ve figured out by now.

That’s partly why I like acting. I’m good at lying.

I was lying to myself about us for a long time. Convincing my heart I was fine.

But live and learn. That’s all we can do.


(p.s. just felt like getting a lot of my chest tonight. this isn’t supposed to make any sense.)

Reflecting Back and Looking Forward

In the style of rockstar, Mormon in Manhattan, Natalie Hill (who’s blog I just adore), here’s my new years blog entry.

2010 has been good to me. Well anything was better than 2009. I couldn’t wait for 2009 to be over. I was angry at so many things and was so eager for the new year.  I really do feel like I got my fresh start this last year.  A year ago this time, I had no idea where my life was heading, I was falling deeply in love with my best friend, I was mixed up and confused with so much anger… It was all very scary, but I just knew that there was nowhere to go but up.

And that’s where it pretty much went. For the first four months of the year, I grew stronger than I had ever been. I was preparing mentally and physically to move off and start my career.  I was so lucky to land my very first New York audition at 18 years old. I was young, successful and in love with life. Everything was wonderful.

Heartbreak department- well this definitely is a area that I don’t really enjoy, but unfortunately have to deal with on a daily basis. When one puts so much of their heart into a relationship, when it ends, it takes a long time to get their heart back to normal. Especially when the other person remains your best and closest friend. And one move onto a busy life where they really don’t have time or energy to heal from the heartbreak. But very slowly and surely, things get better.  A part of me thinks I will always be picking out the pieces of glass in my skin, but what can I do. I fell hard. According to Jerry Herman, even time doesn’t fix what I’ve got.

Work department- I am so so so blessed to have had this wonderful first season. I’ve learned so much about myself and how to be a professional. This job has forced me to grow up and learn to take care of myself. The women that I was surrounded with everyday were such beautiful, talented indivuals. I am in debt to them for their kindness and inspiration.

I too, have been thinking a lot about pain. Like Natalie’s metaphor with the ice on the palms, I can relate it to ice baths. I took many throughout the season and let me tell you, it was not easy at first. It never really was easy, I just got used to it. For the first 2-4 minutes pain surges from your toes to your lower back. You want to move but you knew if you did, it would just hurt more. So instead, you take it head on and just sit through it. You find something to think about, play a game on your phone. Distractions are key. You stare at the clock every fifteen seconds. Once you get to the half way mark, its home free. The pain is gone and you’re just numb. Then when the 10 minutes are up, you cautiously move your body out of the tub. You’re legs look sun burnt. They’re so cold that they feel on fire. It takes a good ten minutes for them to regain full feeling and motion. Your body will wake up the next morning and thank you.

I like to relate this to our trails and the pain that comes along with them. I’ve seen people (myself included) avoid their trials and it causes them more pain. In 2010 I’ve really tried to face all my worst devils (or vampires for any [tos] fans who may be reading.) It’s been painful but I’m so much happier because of it.  (Natalie says it so much better…)

I suggest taking an ice bath just once for fun. At the end of the day, I actually looked forward to them.

Here are my wishes and hopes for 2011:

–       read more

–       maybe do some traveling

–       learn more about the technicalities of photography

–       have better overall body strength

–       be more diligent in my personal study

–       be a more devoted friend and sister

–       be more creative with blogging

–       receive my equity card

–       land another gig!

–       good health for myself and all my loved ones

–       lots of more adventures for cc and company

Here’s to a 2011 that’s even bigger and more spectacular!

Thanks for reading. I hope you have a wonderful year too!!



101 Things that make me happy

Since it was on my 101 things to do in 1001 days list, i thought I’d knock this one out:

  1. love
  2. my family
  3. reading the scriptures
  4. taking photos
  5. giftcards
  6. giving the perfect gift
  7. cheese
  8. blogging
  9. temple trips
  10. picking out which headband to wear with a current outfit
  11. arm scratches
  12. finding new photographers i like
  13. everything and everyone in new york city
  14. chocolate bar
  15. anthropologie sales
  16. Rockstar Diaries
  17. when my silly niece, Avery, says “I love you Aunt Cia!”
  18. back scratches
  19. hearing makenzie’s voice
  20. seth rudetsky’s deconstructions (this one‘s my favorite)
  21. laducas
  22. singing in the car
  23. anything ever uttered out of elaine stritch‘s mouth
  24. old school theatre tap dancing
  25. a new richard calmes album
  26. my scotties, Bobby and BJ
  27. comments on my photos
  28. fresh flowers on the kitchen table
  29. the nervous, excited energy i get before a photoshoot
  30. when my doctors are happy
  31. skyping with my nieces and ashlyn
  32. fierce moments (i’ll have to blog about this sometime…)
  33. doris day movies
  34. fred and ginger movies
  35. hugs and kisses
  36. reunions with friends i havent seen in forever
  37. making slideshows
  38. dressing up all fancy
  39. sleeping in my bed on cold mornings
  40. cloudy days
  41. cute umbrellas
  42. ghost lights
  43. iyogurt, red mango, and pinkberry
  44. when he says he loves me
  45. finding old journals and reading them
  46. reading snapple caps
  47. waking up to a working alarm clock
  48. my photo chandelier
  49. putting on a new pair of earings
  50. watching a really good movie you haven’t seen in a long time
  51. downstage center
  52. taking a theatre dance class
  53. charleston chews
  54. anything black with white polka dots
  55. good news
  56. getting a letter or package in the mail
  57. counting down the days till summer new york trips
  58. looking at my yellow tulip painting from king aaron
  59. quoting scrubs
  60. watching bloopers on dvds
  61. General Conference
  62. regina spektor and ben rector music
  63. making lists
  64. lunch dates with my favorite people
  65. a massage
  66. holga photos
  67. hot chocolate on a cold day
  68. family dinners
  69. when people tell me they’re looking for my cheshire cat laplander! so sweet.
  70. Kevin Cahoon in the same building :))))
  71. disco dancing
  72. nailing an audition
  73. stepping off the plane at La Guardia
  74. little letters
  75. Junior’s Cheesecake
  76. “(This will be) an Everlasting Love”
  77. finding a new artist i like
  78. trying new sushi
  79. a good Sunday at Church
  80. engagement stories
  81. a jazz class on an emotional day
  82. “You Turned my Mourning into Dancing” music
  83. singing primary songs
  84. comforting hugs from my mommy
  85. puppies
  86. red lipstick with a cute black and white outfit
  87. star sightings in NYC
  88. licking icing off of a cupcake
  89. singing in the shower
  90. shopping trips with my sisters
  91. pumpkin pie with whipped creme
  92. sunrise on the beach
  93. a warm blanket right out of the dryer
  94. speaking “broadway” with someone who understands what the heck i’m saying
  95. yellow tulips
  96. white rose petals in my banb hoodie pockets
  97. makenzie memories
  98. thinking about the future
  99. accepting the past
  100. living fully through every minute
  101. this list

here’s to happiness, life, love, and makenzie.


Day of Love

Some people dread today, but I love it. Todays the day where we can show the ones we love how much we love them and to appreciate everything around you.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love Max.

I love dance.

I love photography.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I love life.

Happy Valentines everyone!


Talking about my friends

I miss Makenzie. More than ever. Tomorrow will be 25 weeks. 25 weeks without her. There have been so many times this past month where I’ve desperately wanted to run across the street, jump on her bed, and sing silly songs. Or just talk to her. We talked a lot!! We would always get sooo sidetracked that we would never finish thoughts on one subject before we were on to the next. One of my favorite memories of Kenz was one time when I was heading back home I started to leave her room and I said something funny. I guess it was funny ’cause she laughed her head off. She ran over to the door where I was standing and gave me a ginormous hug. It kinda caught me off guard. We always hugged. ALWAYS. But for some reason this hug was different. It was as if she was saying, “I’m so glad I’ve met you.” How I wish I could go back in time and relive that hug. In Cara’s piece when Devin would come over and hug me near the end, I tried to imagine that particular hug. I never wanted to let go of her. But as I have learned over these past 25 weeks, letting go is not an option. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget it just means that life can go on. I’m so glad that I got to meet Makenzie Stocker. She taught me so much about love and life and friendship and family. I hope I was as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

I love King A. A lot! I know I tell him this a lot but I cannot say it enough. I admire him so much, both as a dancer and an individual. He’s been so strong and mature dealing with everything the accidents brought into his life and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s so unbelievably important to me and I love him so dearly.

Max is the best friend EVER. After the accident he came to my house everyday for 2 weeks to visit me. Max and I have been best friends for years but the things that we’ve been through this past year has made us even closer. He always says the right things to me, whether I want to hear it or not, and I thank him for that. True friends tell you what you don’t want to hear, and thats usually the truth. I’m so glad we get to dance together this year for my final Nutcracker.

I cannot wait to see Maggie when she comes home for thanksgiving. I definitely need some Maggie time! But thank goodness for iChat, right?!

All of my friends are a blessing in my life. I love them all so much. Loosing one has made me realize how valuable the rest are in my life. I appreciate their kindness and support to me, particularly in this hard time of my life. To Makenzie, Aaron, Max, Maggie, Trav, Cara, Josh, Dev, Devin, Jason, G, Abby, Shelby, Kostas, Dana, Kate, Sarah, Mer, Amanda, Madi, Shoelie, Laura, Katie, Emilie, Nancy, Leah, Kelly, Libby, Betsy, Sean, Jen, Kish… to all of my friends, whether i listed you or not: I love you so much! You are all such unique individuals. So talented, smart, beautiful people and I feel lucky to be called your friend.

Always remember you are loved. I love you. Even if you’re reading this and even if I don’t personally know you and you’re reading this, I still love you. Thank you for caring so much to take the time and read my thoughts on here.

“If I had to sum up Friendship in one word, it would be Comfort.”  ~Adabella Radici