I’ll Be Seeing You

We hit 6 months since the accident on Thursday. With that and not having Makenzie next to me for my last Nutcracker it was a rough weekend.

Well, Kenzie and I LOVED to sing together. I have so many songs that I automatically connect to her just because we sung them so much. Whenever I would hop into her car to go to or from dance, I’d plug-in my iPod, and ask, “What do you want to listen to” She usually would reply with, “Surprise me!” but sometimes she was more specific.

The first song i remember us really connecting to was the old classic, I’ll be Seeing you. We had both seen the production of Swing! down at TUTS separately, and discussed that number in the show. It was a beautifully danced number and sung gorgeously by Emily Drennan. We would waltz around together singing it to eachother all the time. It really was our song.

Then we both discovered it was the theme song in our favorite movie, The Notebook. We pulled an all nighter one night and watched that movie twice I think. I don’t think I’ve watched it since…

I look at the lyrics now and miss her more than ever.

Kenzie, I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summers day. In everything thats light and gay. I’ll always think of you that way. I’ll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new, I’ll be looking at the moon but I’ll be seeing you.

a beautiful version…

love always,

cc

Warm Fuzzies

Photo by me from Natalie and Ryan’s shoot the morning after it snowed.

-Seeing snow outside while dancing the Nutcracker

-Taking photos of my sister and bro-in-law and seeing how in love they are

-Hearing my niece say, “I loooove you, Aunt C-ia”

-Makenzie memories

-this song

-cuddling underneath my sheets on a cold rainy morning

-winking

-having amazing, surreal days

-seeing my Secret Santa’s reaction to their gift

-wearing my scarf my Secret Santa gave me (I LOVE IT! Thank you, whoever you are.)

-opening new doors that have always been there

-performing Spanish with my dears, Anna and Kate

-when a little kid tells me i was their favorite part of the show

-the holiday season and all its wonderfulness

happy holidays everyone! enjoy the wondefulness of this time of year.

~CC

its the most wonderful time of the year…

…and here are some reasons why!

-Nutcracker: even though our opening show tonight was cancelled, I have loved the 4 school performances we’ve done so far. it’s very melancholy though, this being my last year (I said previously that this is my 14th season, but I was mistaken. it’s actually my 13th season.) and then not having kenz there is particularly hard. so many times i just want to look across the dressing room and see her getting ready for harlequin. or hold her hand in bows. we hit 6 months yesterday and i find that hard to believe. its been a half a year since the accident. it seems like just yesterday i was prepping for my second surgery for my eye. well in summary, nutcracker is wonderful. Through all the stress and drama, i truly love the Nutcracker experience and will cherish every moment of these next two weeks. don’t forget to get your tickets at www.bahbt.org.

-SNOW!!!!!!! today it snowed during our school performances and for a little while after. it was beautiful, magical, and i loved it.

-christmas music: i love listening to christmas music and i especially love finding different artists interpretations of traditional songs. My recommendations are “Jingle Bells” by The Puppini Sisters, “12 Days of Christmas” by Straight No Chaser, and “I’ll be home for Christmas” by Josh Groban.

i love this time of year!

what do you find so wonderful about this time of year?

love and laducas,

caitlin

I am thankful to have found this photo today

To me, this is what Heaven sounds like

Hello blog readers. There were many of you who expressed interest in wanting to see Cara’s tribute piece for Kenzie, “You turned my mourning into dancing” and couldn’t attend the performances of it, but as I have previously stated, the piece will not be put online to see. But to give you a little taste of the dance, here’s a video set to the song used in the last section of the piece, what we called the heaven section. This a beautiful video of a bird trying hard to fly… a feeling that is all too familiar these days for me.

olive oil.

~cc

Little Red Riding Kenz

Here’s a photo of Kenz from BanB’s production of Sleeping Beauty when she was Little Red Riding Hood as well as the photo she inspired for my 100th FB album.

above photo credit: john gladu

Love to all,

cc

My Little Mermaids

I said this on FB and I’ll say it again here: Makenzie truly inspires every shot I take. The first photo is one of Makenzie I took from her white dress shoot. She was like a dazzling mermaid on that water.

When it came time to start shooting my 100th album, Kate as the Little Mermaid was one of the first ideas I had and that photo of Makenzie was of course where I drew my inspiration from. I shot Kate on the exact same piece of cement that Makenzie sat on. I hadn’t been back there since the white dress shoot and as we arrived there I started to get a little teary eyed. It’s amazing just how much my photography has grown since then. I loved photographing Kenz. I’d like to thank her for helping me discover a new talent of mine, hopefully one I can continue to pursue.

Enjoy both photos of two dazzling ballerina mermaids!

~CC

P.S. Kate is Sugar Plum Fairy for the Breakfast this Saturday! For those of you who’ve ever been associated with BanB, you know how important that is. Congrats you beautiful red heard!

Talking about my friends

I miss Makenzie. More than ever. Tomorrow will be 25 weeks. 25 weeks without her. There have been so many times this past month where I’ve desperately wanted to run across the street, jump on her bed, and sing silly songs. Or just talk to her. We talked a lot!! We would always get sooo sidetracked that we would never finish thoughts on one subject before we were on to the next. One of my favorite memories of Kenz was one time when I was heading back home I started to leave her room and I said something funny. I guess it was funny ’cause she laughed her head off. She ran over to the door where I was standing and gave me a ginormous hug. It kinda caught me off guard. We always hugged. ALWAYS. But for some reason this hug was different. It was as if she was saying, “I’m so glad I’ve met you.” How I wish I could go back in time and relive that hug. In Cara’s piece when Devin would come over and hug me near the end, I tried to imagine that particular hug. I never wanted to let go of her. But as I have learned over these past 25 weeks, letting go is not an option. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget it just means that life can go on. I’m so glad that I got to meet Makenzie Stocker. She taught me so much about love and life and friendship and family. I hope I was as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

I love King A. A lot! I know I tell him this a lot but I cannot say it enough. I admire him so much, both as a dancer and an individual. He’s been so strong and mature dealing with everything the accidents brought into his life and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s so unbelievably important to me and I love him so dearly.

Max is the best friend EVER. After the accident he came to my house everyday for 2 weeks to visit me. Max and I have been best friends for years but the things that we’ve been through this past year has made us even closer. He always says the right things to me, whether I want to hear it or not, and I thank him for that. True friends tell you what you don’t want to hear, and thats usually the truth. I’m so glad we get to dance together this year for my final Nutcracker.

I cannot wait to see Maggie when she comes home for thanksgiving. I definitely need some Maggie time! But thank goodness for iChat, right?!

All of my friends are a blessing in my life. I love them all so much. Loosing one has made me realize how valuable the rest are in my life. I appreciate their kindness and support to me, particularly in this hard time of my life. To Makenzie, Aaron, Max, Maggie, Trav, Cara, Josh, Dev, Devin, Jason, Gina, Abby, Shelby, Kostas, Dana, Kate, Sarah, Mer, Amanda, Madi, Shoelie, Laura, Katie, Emilie, Nancy, Leah, Kelly, Libby, Betsy, Sean, Jen, Kish… to all of my friends, whether i listed you or not: I love you so much! You are all such unique individuals. So talented, smart, beautiful people and I feel lucky to be called your friend.

Always remember you are loved. I love you. Even if you’re reading this and even if I don’t personally know you and you’re reading this, I still love you. Thank you for caring so much to take the time and read my thoughts on here.

“If I had to sum up Friendship in one word, it would be Comfort.”  ~Adabella Radici

~CC

The Last Time

On Sunday, the cast of YTMMID did an encore performance of the piece. We did it for Ms. Lynette (founder of BanB) who was in the hospital during the performance, Makenzie’s school friends who couldn’t attend the show because of their home coming dance, and anyone else who may have missed the show or wanted to see it again. We did it at the studio which is where Cara originally envisioned the dance.

Every time we’ve performed that dance its felt a little different. It’s hard to explain. Some parts are harder to get through emotionally during one run thru than another. On Sunday though, every part was particularly hard.  As we’d finish one step I couldn’t help but think, ‘That’s the last time I’ll ever do that.” I absolutely loved Aaron and I’s duet. I think I’ll miss that section the most. He and I have connected so much these past 23 weeks. We completely understand the emotions we both feel each day and are there for each other no matter what. Knowing that made our duet so meaningful for us.

After it was all over and we melted into the barres in the back for the final moments of the piece we of course were sobbing our eyes out. Right as the music finished of course what should happen? My stomach let out a giant noise!!! Aaron was the only one who could hear it. Through the crying we let out a few chuckles. It kinda reminded me of when I used to get really upset and Kenz would be comforting me she would make silly faces to cheer me which would always make me giggle. That little stomach growl made me realize Kenzie’s memories will always make me smile.

As sad as I am about the never getting to perform that piece again, I felt that Sunday’s performance had a lot of closure to it. It was the final release and letting go of some horrific emotions for me. When people ask me how I’m doing these days, I always reply with, “I’m taking things a day a time.” The days get easier and harder at the same time. I’m thankful for my friends, family, and faith that help get me through each week a little stronger. I love life. And I’m so glad I got share three years of it with my dear Makenzie.

Thanks for reading,

CC

I think I’m ready

So I’ve wanted to write about this since Saturday but I haven’t felt ready. I think I am now. Hopefully I can accurately put my feelings into words.

As you all know, this Saturday our company, BAHBT, or as I often refer to it, BanB, performed our mixed rep production entitled Fusion in Sync. It was a very well put together show. Each piece showed the gracefulness, beauty, diversity, quality, and expression of our company so well and our packed audiences made it very clear how much they loved it. I have discussed previously here on the blog about the final piece in the show, You Turned My Mourning Into Dancing, choreographed by Cara Shanks, based on the accident that occurred June 3rd and life after it. I know many people were confused and angry going into the show having a misunderstanding about the piece. They thought we were going to re-enact the accident itself when in fact all we did was fall to the ground. These people who had these views coming into the show realized our intentions behind the piece and were deeply moved. I will now try to tell you what was going through my mind Saturday night as I performed the piece.

I think of the beginning of the dance as our yellow tulip section. We are all together dancing as one, oblivious of what is ahead of us in the near future. I try to enjoy those minutes and not think too much about life as it is now and focus on what life was: happiness, silliness, joy, untroubled, carefree.

As Devin, Cara, Aaron, and I take off our hoods at the start of the “trio” I try to visualize every moment of that photo shoot in full detail. I remember arriving at Makenzie’s Grandparents house viewing the back yard and thinking about how beautiful it was. I immediately click into “Caitlin the Photographer” mode. Many times throughout the trio I visualize certain photos or certain locations from the site. My favorite part is when Wiggins and I would hold hands and turn fast in a circle with big smiles on our faces. (During the shows we said our “I love you”s during this particular moment, knowing what would follow a few 6-counts after.)

As Cara steps over me on the ground I pull myself up off the ground as if Kenzie is pulling me up saying “You can do it!” Through Aaron and I’s duet I say specific words. Words that I remember saying in the hospital. Words I remember saying to Aaron the first time I saw him. Words people told me. Words the doctors said. And the dreadful words that were spoken to me concerning dear Makenzie’s fate. I also visualize certain events. The first time I had a hard cry at night. The time where Aaron gave me my tulip painting. The first time I picked up to call Makenzie’s phone to hear her voicemail. As Aaron and I catch each other when we’re about to fall I’m reminded of how much I love him and how lucky we are to be alive and have each other. His support and understanding gets me through each day. Walking back to Devin to give her the white rose is always when I start to cry and I’m really not sure why. All I know is that I’m so glad that Aaron is holding my hand. I would hate to walk that walk by myself.

We proceed to heaven section. I make sure to position myself so I can see Cara when she throws the white rose petals in the air. That moment is so magical and that’s when I really start to feel Makenzie’s presence with us as we dance. As we get start our section in groups that is when I’m the most vulnerable. I’m in the very front practically crying on the front row. I’ve learned how amazing it feels to cry and dance at the same time. When I do that, I’m expressing the feelings that I can express through words but through the next best way I can… dance. Then we watch Cara’s solo, but none of us our really seeing Cara, its Makenzie we see. This part brings tears and smile to our faces, it’s as if we’re seeing her dance again. The group hug with Devin is such a wonderful moment because I can feel everyone. I feel their strength, their weakness, their anger, their sadness, their joy. I feel it with them. Then as we wave to Cara its as if we’re in heaven seeing our Makenzie again. I think about how awesome that event will be and how I can’t wait to see her again. Then we do what I refer to as the “running but going no where” section. It’s as if we’re going through the motions of everyday life, trying to get through it all, but for some reason we keep staying in place. Then we each get touched by either Cara or Devin. I really try to imagine Kenzie’s touch. As the next section continues I try to go through the emotions I’ve been feeling the past couple days and how much I miss Kenz. As we go into the final part of the dance, what Cara calls the mother section, I hear the other dancers sobbing. As I listen closer I can hear the audience sobbing too. And as we finish the piece walking to the back the sobs get louder and echo with the space. Since I’m in the back of the group I see everyone else before me walking and I know that they’ll always be with me just like they are in that dance.

I sit here crying not knowing why I felt like I had to put this into words. But I knew I had to. That dance was in no way used as entertainment purposes. Because of that, Cara is not going to let the dance be on YouTube or performed by any other dancers or be performed at any other performance in years to come. It’s because the dance was a way of turning OUR mourning into dancing, the best way we know how. It was therapeutic for both the dancers and the audience. After the show I hugged so many people. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I hugged. Seeing the audience’s reception to the piece was so beautiful and I’m so glad that I through this dance I was able to help heal the hearts of others. I know that its helped heal me in so many ways. All I kept hearing was, Makenzie would have loved it. Feeling her presence there, I know she did love it.