Where troubles melt like lemon drops…

Tonight I had a breakdown.

It doesn’t really matter what it was about. I called Maggie and Max and talked it over with my mom and felt a little better about it. I know there was just one other person I wanted to talk to… my dear Kenzster. Every day I miss her more.

Than I watched this video again… Seeing her clothes… Hearing her sing one of the songs that was so special to us… I all the sudden was calm. She continues to comfort me. I love and miss her so.

what a special gift that quilt must be for the stockers. i love them so much.

~CC

I’ll Be Seeing You

We hit 6 months since the accident on Thursday. With that and not having Makenzie next to me for my last Nutcracker it was a rough weekend.

Well, Kenzie and I LOVED to sing together. I have so many songs that I automatically connect to her just because we sung them so much. Whenever I would hop into her car to go to or from dance, I’d plug-in my iPod, and ask, “What do you want to listen to” She usually would reply with, “Surprise me!” but sometimes she was more specific.

The first song i remember us really connecting to was the old classic, I’ll be Seeing you. We had both seen the production of Swing! down at TUTS separately, and discussed that number in the show. It was a beautifully danced number and sung gorgeously by Emily Drennan. We would waltz around together singing it to eachother all the time. It really was our song.

Then we both discovered it was the theme song in our favorite movie, The Notebook. We pulled an all nighter one night and watched that movie twice I think. I don’t think I’ve watched it since…

I look at the lyrics now and miss her more than ever.

Kenzie, I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summers day. In everything thats light and gay. I’ll always think of you that way. I’ll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new, I’ll be looking at the moon but I’ll be seeing you.

a beautiful version…

love always,

cc

Warm Fuzzies

Photo by me from Natalie and Ryan’s shoot the morning after it snowed.

-Seeing snow outside while dancing the Nutcracker

-Taking photos of my sister and bro-in-law and seeing how in love they are

-Hearing my niece say, “I loooove you, Aunt C-ia”

-Makenzie memories

-this song

-cuddling underneath my sheets on a cold rainy morning

-winking

-having amazing, surreal days

-seeing my Secret Santa’s reaction to their gift

-wearing my scarf my Secret Santa gave me (I LOVE IT! Thank you, whoever you are.)

-opening new doors that have always been there

-performing Spanish with my dears, Anna and Kate

-when a little kid tells me i was their favorite part of the show

-the holiday season and all its wonderfulness

happy holidays everyone! enjoy the wondefulness of this time of year.

~CC

its the most wonderful time of the year…

…and here are some reasons why!

-Nutcracker: even though our opening show tonight was cancelled, I have loved the 4 school performances we’ve done so far. it’s very melancholy though, this being my last year (I said previously that this is my 14th season, but I was mistaken. it’s actually my 13th season.) and then not having kenz there is particularly hard. so many times i just want to look across the dressing room and see her getting ready for harlequin. or hold her hand in bows. we hit 6 months yesterday and i find that hard to believe. its been a half a year since the accident. it seems like just yesterday i was prepping for my second surgery for my eye. well in summary, nutcracker is wonderful. Through all the stress and drama, i truly love the Nutcracker experience and will cherish every moment of these next two weeks. don’t forget to get your tickets at www.bahbt.org.

-SNOW!!!!!!! today it snowed during our school performances and for a little while after. it was beautiful, magical, and i loved it.

-christmas music: i love listening to christmas music and i especially love finding different artists interpretations of traditional songs. My recommendations are “Jingle Bells” by The Puppini Sisters, “12 Days of Christmas” by Straight No Chaser, and “I’ll be home for Christmas” by Josh Groban.

i love this time of year!

what do you find so wonderful about this time of year?

love and laducas,

caitlin

I am thankful to have found this photo today

To me, this is what Heaven sounds like

Hello blog readers. There were many of you who expressed interest in wanting to see Cara’s tribute piece for Kenzie, “You turned my mourning into dancing” and couldn’t attend the performances of it, but as I have previously stated, the piece will not be put online to see. But to give you a little taste of the dance, here’s a video set to the song used in the last section of the piece, what we called the heaven section. This a beautiful video of a bird trying hard to fly… a feeling that is all too familiar these days for me.

olive oil.

~cc

Little Red Riding Kenz

Here’s a photo of Kenz from BanB’s production of Sleeping Beauty when she was Little Red Riding Hood as well as the photo she inspired for my 100th FB album.

above photo credit: john gladu

Love to all,

cc

My Little Mermaids

I said this on FB and I’ll say it again here: Makenzie truly inspires every shot I take. The first photo is one of Makenzie I took from her white dress shoot. She was like a dazzling mermaid on that water.

When it came time to start shooting my 100th album, Kate as the Little Mermaid was one of the first ideas I had and that photo of Makenzie was of course where I drew my inspiration from. I shot Kate on the exact same piece of cement that Makenzie sat on. I hadn’t been back there since the white dress shoot and as we arrived there I started to get a little teary eyed. It’s amazing just how much my photography has grown since then. I loved photographing Kenz. I’d like to thank her for helping me discover a new talent of mine, hopefully one I can continue to pursue.

Enjoy both photos of two dazzling ballerina mermaids!

~CC

P.S. Kate is Sugar Plum Fairy for the Breakfast this Saturday! For those of you who’ve ever been associated with BanB, you know how important that is. Congrats you beautiful red heard!

Talking about my friends

I miss Makenzie. More than ever. Tomorrow will be 25 weeks. 25 weeks without her. There have been so many times this past month where I’ve desperately wanted to run across the street, jump on her bed, and sing silly songs. Or just talk to her. We talked a lot!! We would always get sooo sidetracked that we would never finish thoughts on one subject before we were on to the next. One of my favorite memories of Kenz was one time when I was heading back home I started to leave her room and I said something funny. I guess it was funny ’cause she laughed her head off. She ran over to the door where I was standing and gave me a ginormous hug. It kinda caught me off guard. We always hugged. ALWAYS. But for some reason this hug was different. It was as if she was saying, “I’m so glad I’ve met you.” How I wish I could go back in time and relive that hug. In Cara’s piece when Devin would come over and hug me near the end, I tried to imagine that particular hug. I never wanted to let go of her. But as I have learned over these past 25 weeks, letting go is not an option. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget it just means that life can go on. I’m so glad that I got to meet Makenzie Stocker. She taught me so much about love and life and friendship and family. I hope I was as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

I love King A. A lot! I know I tell him this a lot but I cannot say it enough. I admire him so much, both as a dancer and an individual. He’s been so strong and mature dealing with everything the accidents brought into his life and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s so unbelievably important to me and I love him so dearly.

Max is the best friend EVER. After the accident he came to my house everyday for 2 weeks to visit me. Max and I have been best friends for years but the things that we’ve been through this past year has made us even closer. He always says the right things to me, whether I want to hear it or not, and I thank him for that. True friends tell you what you don’t want to hear, and thats usually the truth. I’m so glad we get to dance together this year for my final Nutcracker.

I cannot wait to see Maggie when she comes home for thanksgiving. I definitely need some Maggie time! But thank goodness for iChat, right?!

All of my friends are a blessing in my life. I love them all so much. Loosing one has made me realize how valuable the rest are in my life. I appreciate their kindness and support to me, particularly in this hard time of my life. To Makenzie, Aaron, Max, Maggie, Trav, Cara, Josh, Dev, Devin, Jason, Gina, Abby, Shelby, Kostas, Dana, Kate, Sarah, Mer, Amanda, Madi, Shoelie, Laura, Katie, Emilie, Nancy, Leah, Kelly, Libby, Betsy, Sean, Jen, Kish… to all of my friends, whether i listed you or not: I love you so much! You are all such unique individuals. So talented, smart, beautiful people and I feel lucky to be called your friend.

Always remember you are loved. I love you. Even if you’re reading this and even if I don’t personally know you and you’re reading this, I still love you. Thank you for caring so much to take the time and read my thoughts on here.

“If I had to sum up Friendship in one word, it would be Comfort.”  ~Adabella Radici

~CC

The Last Time

On Sunday, the cast of YTMMID did an encore performance of the piece. We did it for Ms. Lynette (founder of BanB) who was in the hospital during the performance, Makenzie’s school friends who couldn’t attend the show because of their home coming dance, and anyone else who may have missed the show or wanted to see it again. We did it at the studio which is where Cara originally envisioned the dance.

Every time we’ve performed that dance its felt a little different. It’s hard to explain. Some parts are harder to get through emotionally during one run thru than another. On Sunday though, every part was particularly hard.  As we’d finish one step I couldn’t help but think, ‘That’s the last time I’ll ever do that.” I absolutely loved Aaron and I’s duet. I think I’ll miss that section the most. He and I have connected so much these past 23 weeks. We completely understand the emotions we both feel each day and are there for each other no matter what. Knowing that made our duet so meaningful for us.

After it was all over and we melted into the barres in the back for the final moments of the piece we of course were sobbing our eyes out. Right as the music finished of course what should happen? My stomach let out a giant noise!!! Aaron was the only one who could hear it. Through the crying we let out a few chuckles. It kinda reminded me of when I used to get really upset and Kenz would be comforting me she would make silly faces to cheer me which would always make me giggle. That little stomach growl made me realize Kenzie’s memories will always make me smile.

As sad as I am about the never getting to perform that piece again, I felt that Sunday’s performance had a lot of closure to it. It was the final release and letting go of some horrific emotions for me. When people ask me how I’m doing these days, I always reply with, “I’m taking things a day a time.” The days get easier and harder at the same time. I’m thankful for my friends, family, and faith that help get me through each week a little stronger. I love life. And I’m so glad I got share three years of it with my dear Makenzie.

Thanks for reading,

CC